I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
