mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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