i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
