Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
