I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Randomize
