No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
