You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
