as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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