I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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