Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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