Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
