I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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