So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
