he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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