I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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