I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
