too bad you live with your parents still
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
