And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
