The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
