It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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