Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
