remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
