You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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