FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
as a side note pls kill me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
