I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
