don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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