I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
