Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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