you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
