Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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