I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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