I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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