I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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