Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
