they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
