you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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