i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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