I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
