I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize