dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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