dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
