i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize