i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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