I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
