He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My dick has a subreddit
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
