So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
