I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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