Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
