she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
