I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
