just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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