All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I see more hoeing in ur future
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