They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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