I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
