I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
