apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
