I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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