I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
