speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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