Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
